Kettle

A kettle is a device for turning cold water into hot water, eventually. It is the most frequently used appliance in the kitchen and the only one that is regularly accused of doing nothing while it is doing something.^[1]

A watched kettle never boils. The kettle establishes whether it is being watched by calculating all the places the watcher is not looking. Only when the watcher is looking at none of the kettle does the kettle conclude that it is unobserved, and boil, usually while the watcher is fetching the milk.

Usage

The average household kettle is boiled 1,460 times a year. Of these, 312 boilings are forgotten and re-boiled, and 41 are re-boiled after being forgotten the second time. Seven are boiled for no reason anyone can remember, and then poured away “to be safe”.^[2]

Every kettle contains either enough water for one more cup than required, or one fewer. A kettle containing exactly the right amount of water has been reported only once, in 1983, and the witness was not wearing glasses.

The click

When it has finished, a kettle makes a click. The click is the most trusted sound in the home, ahead of the doorbell and well ahead of anyone saying “I’ll do it in a minute”.^[3]

See also

• Water – what goes in
• Empty glass – where it goes afterwards, eventually
• Minute – how long it says it will take

References

1. Spout, S. (2010). Not While I’m Looking. Steam Press.
2. Hob, H. (1988). “The Re-Boil Problem”. Kitchen Quarterly 12: 41.
3. Bureau of Household Sounds (2002). “Rankings, Trust”.