Custard

Custard is a sweet sauce made from milk, eggs and sugar, heated gently until it stops being three things and becomes one thing.^[1] It is poured over puddings and is itself a pudding, making it the only dessert that can be served on top of itself.

Custard is famously difficult to make. Heated too little, it is milk; heated too much, it is scrambled eggs; heated exactly right, it is still described by whoever made it as “a bit lumpy, sorry”.

The skin controversy

Custard left to cool forms a skin. Scholars are divided into two schools. The Skinnists hold that the skin is the best part and should be served first, as a starter. The Anti-Skinnists hold that it is a lid, and that nobody eats the lid of a jar. A third, smaller school argued that the skin is simply custard that went outside without a coat; it has not been invited to the conference since 1994.^[2]

Thickness

Custard thickness is measured on the Spoon Scale, from 1 (runs straight off the spoon) to 10 (the spoon stands up unaided and has to be asked to leave). Most school custard has been rated 11.^[3]

A mixture of cornflour and water, sometimes called custard by people in a hurry, goes solid when struck and runny when left alone. It is therefore the only pudding that responds better to being ignored, a quality it shares with most cats.

See also

• Pancake – also improved by pouring things on it
• Porridge – custard’s breakfast cousin
• Spoon – unit of thickness

References

1. Yolk, E. (2003). Stir Constantly. Wooden Spoon Press. pp. 1–400.
2. Lidd, S. (1994). “The Skin Is a Lid”. Journal of Pudding Studies 12: 3.
3. Ladle, D. (2011). Rating Custard. Unfinished; the spoon is still standing.