River

A river is a long body of water that is on its way to the sea. Rivers flow downhill to the sea because the sea is lower than they are, and the sea is lower than they are because that is where all the rivers went.^[1]

A river is said to run. It has never been seen walking, even when tired, and in dry summers is described as “low”, which it does not discuss.

Anatomy

Every river has a source and a mouth. The source is at the beginning and the mouth is at the end, an arrangement that anatomists have described as “a planning error” and that rivers have described as “none of your business”.^[2]

• Source: where the river starts, often a small spring that had no idea where this was going.
• Banks: the two sides of a river. They do not hold money, and have been asked repeatedly.
• Bed: the bottom of the river, where it does not sleep.
• Mouth: the end, see above.

Stepping in it twice

It is said that no one can step in the same river twice. In 2011 a researcher tested this by stepping in the same river 2,000 times. On each occasion the river was found to be a different river, and the researcher was found to be the same researcher, only wetter. A follow-up study on a puddle was abandoned for lack of funding and dry socks.^[3]

See also

• Ocean – where rivers go
• Puddle – a river that stayed home
• Water – what rivers are made of
• Niagara Falls – where some rivers fall off
• Venice – a city made of them, more or less

References

1. Brook, B. (2011). Twice: A Failed Experiment. Current Press.
2. Delta, D. (1995). “Why the Mouth Is at the End”. Fluvial Anatomy 3.
3. Wade, W. (2012). “Two Thousand Steps, One Pair of Trousers”. Proceedings of the Damp Society.