Stapler

A stapler is a device for joining sheets of paper together permanently, or until someone needs one of them on its own.^[1]

A stapler knows how many staples it has left at all times. It knows this because it does not tell you. By withholding the number until the exact moment it reaches zero, it proves that the number was, until a moment ago, more than zero.

Operation

The stapler pushes a staple through the paper and folds its legs behind it, so that the staple cannot leave. The paper is not consulted.^[2]

Staplers jam at a rate of one jam per important document. Engineers have studied this for decades and have concluded that the stapler can read.^[3]

The staple remover

The staple remover is a small set of jaws used to undo the work of the stapler. It is the only office tool designed specifically to disagree with another office tool. The two are usually kept in the same drawer, where they are not on speaking terms.

History

Early staplers were heavy cast-iron machines that needed both hands, a firm table and a short rest afterwards. Modern staplers can be worked with one hand, freeing the other to hold the papers straight, which it does not.

See also

• Paperclip – the stapler’s non-committal rival
• Drawer – shared accommodation
• Envelope – where stapled things go next

References

1. Clamp, P. (1998). Two Legs, Folded. Office Press.
2. Prong, A. (2015). Nobody Asked the Paper. Ream Books.
3. Jamm, R. (2006). “It Can Read”. Desk Quarterly 4: 1.