Toaster

A toaster is a kitchen appliance that turns bread into toast by making it warmer, browner and more toast. It has two settings, "not yet" and "too late". The dial between them is numbered from 1 to 6 and is understood to be decorative.^[1]

Toasters usually live next to the kettle, with which they share a plug socket, a counter, and a lifelong rivalry over who finishes first.

Crumb's Principle

Toast cannot be checked without disturbing it. Lifting the lever early to look returns the toast to bread, and it must begin again. Leaving it alone causes it to burn. The rule, named after Professor E. Crumb, is usually given as: a watched toaster never toasts, and an unwatched toaster always does.^[2]

The pop

Toast leaves the toaster at a speed calibrated to make everyone in the kitchen jump, while rising not quite high enough to be caught.

In 1959 an engineer doubled the spring tension for a demonstration. The slice has not been recovered and is believed to be the second-highest item of breakfast ever launched, behind a pancake tossed in 1962 that is now considered a minor moon.^[3]

Crumbs

Every toaster has a crumb tray. Fewer than 3% of crumb trays have ever been opened. The other 97% contain every crumb made since the toaster was bought, and several older crumbs whose origin is unknown.

See also

• Kettle – its neighbour and rival
• Spoon – not used on toast, despite attempts
• Gravity – returns most toast eventually

References

1. Crumb, E. (1971). Do Not Lift the Lever. Golden Brown Press.
2. Brown, G. (1959). "Spring Tension: A Demonstration". Slice not recovered.
3. Kitchen Appliance Council (2015). "The Crumb Tray: A Census". p. 3%.