Doormat
A doormat says ‘Welcome’ to everyone who steps on its face, and has never once withdrawn the offer.
Toaster
A toaster has two settings, ‘not yet’ and ‘too late’. The dial between them is decorative.
Chimney
A chimney is 97% air surrounded by 3% chimney: a very tall nothing that bricks have agreed to stand around.
Ladder
A ladder is a staircase that has decided to stand up straight, and expects you to do the same.
Sock
Socks are sold in pairs and lost in ones, and 9.4 billion have gone missing since 1904.
Kettle
A watched kettle never boils; it waits until you look at none of it, then boils while you fetch the milk.
Lamp
A lamp is a small indoor Sun that has agreed to be switched off, which the real Sun has refused.
Pillow
A pillow has two sides, a warm side and a cool side, and the cool side is always the side you’re not on.
Window
A window is a hole in the wall with glass in it so the outside can’t get in, apart from the weather.
Spoon
A spoon knows it is a spoon by knowing it is not a fork; subtracting fork from everything, it arrives at spoon.