Mud

Mud is a mixture of earth and water, in proportions known to science as “enough to get in your shoe”.^[1] It is found wherever the ground has been rained on and someone has just put on light-coloured trousers.

Mud is one of the few substances that is both a solid and a liquid, depending on whether you are standing on it or have just sat down in it.

The mud question

Whether mud is wet earth or dirty water has divided scholarship since antiquity. The Soilists hold that mud is ground that has been rained on, and should be swept. The Aquarians hold that mud is a puddle with ambitions, and should be mopped. A third school, the Bootists, holds that it does not matter and should be scraped off at the door, and is generally considered to have won.^[2]

A 1962 attempt to settle the matter by separating a tub of mud into its earth and its water produced one tub of earth, one tub of water, and four researchers who were now mostly mud.

Depth

Mud is measured in boots. Shallow mud comes up to the ankle and deep mud to the knee. Mud deeper than a boot is measured by the sound the boot makes as it leaves without you, a soft “thwuck” rated from one to five on the Squelch Index.^[3]

See also

• Puddle – mud before the earth turned up
• Brown – mud’s preferred colour
• Doormat – where mud goes to be forgotten
• Quicksand – mud's more famous cousin

References

1. Clay, M. (2001). Mostly Earth, Somewhat Water. Squelch Books.
2. Loam, A. & Silt, B. (1958). “It Is Ground, Actually”. Soilist Review 3. Reply: “It Is Wet, Actually”.
3. Galosh, W. (1979). The Squelch Index. Boot Press. Rated four thwucks.