Floor

A floor is the bottom of a room, and the reason the room stays in it. It is the ceiling of the room below, used the right way up, which is why people walk on floors and flies walk on ceilings.^[1]

Floors are flat so that chairs can be. A floor that is not flat is called a slope, or, in older houses, “character”.

Gravity

Everything that is dropped falls to the floor, a finding first written down in 1687 and confirmed every morning since by toast. The floor did not ask for this. It is simply the place where gravity keeps things it is not using.^[2]

The floor is lava

“The floor is lava” is a children’s game in which the floor is declared to be lava. Geologists have tested 4,000 floors during games of this kind and found none of them to be lava, although one carpet in Leeds was “very warm”.^[3]

Types

• Wooden floors: creak at night to let you know the house is still there.
• Tiled floors: cold, on purpose, at 6 am.
• Carpeted floors: soft, until a single Lego brick is involved.
• The ground floor: the floor of a skyscraper that nobody has to take the lift to.

See also

• Ceiling – a floor, upside down
• Wall – a floor that stood up
• Staircase – a floor arranged in steps
• Doormat – the floor’s receptionist

References

1. Board, F. (1961). Down Here. Joist Press.
2. Newton, I. (attrib.) (1687). Principia, with toast.
3. Magma, M. (2008). “The Floor Is Not Lava”. Journal of Obvious Geology 19.