Cactus

A cactus is a plant that has decided it does not want to be held, and has made this extremely clear.^[1]

Cacti are mostly water inside, which is a great deal of water for a plant that has never once been seen drinking.

Water

A cactus stores water inside itself for later. A team of botanists has watched the same cactus since 1984 and reports that later has not yet arrived.^[2] The cactus has been offered rain on several occasions and has kept that too.

Spines

The spines exist so that the cactus will not be touched. This policy has been enforced without exception for millions of years, making the cactus the most effective “please do not touch” sign in nature, and the only one that needs no sign. Nobody has ever hugged a cactus twice.^[3]

Care

Houseplant cacti should be watered about once a month. In practice they are watered never, then all at once, then apologised to.

See also

• Puddle – which a cactus has heard about
• Rain – kept for later
• Sun – a cactus's only regular visitor
• Venus flytrap – another plant best left untouched
• List of things that are sharp – a list it tops
• Camel – a fellow desert professional

References

1. Prickle, P. (1996). Please Don't. Desert Press.
2. Thorne, T. (1984–present). “Is It Later Yet?”. Dry Botany Quarterly. Ongoing.
3. Spike, S. (2008). “Once Was Enough: A Survey of Cactus Huggers”. Annals of Pointy Botany 9. Sample size: everyone, once.