Today

Today is the day that is happening now. Until midnight it was tomorrow, and after the next midnight it will be yesterday, making it the only day that is currently doing its job.^[1]

Today is the most popular day in history. More things have happened today than on any other day, because every day that anything happened, it was today at the time.

Location

Today knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it is not yesterday, which is behind it, and it is not tomorrow, which keeps moving. By subtracting yesterday and tomorrow from all of time, it arrives at today, usually by breakfast.^[2]

“Not today”

“Not today” is a phrase meaning “tomorrow”. Tomorrow, it means the same thing. A 2004 audit of household tasks postponed with the phrase found that the average job had been not-today for 11 years; the oldest, a squeaky door, dates from 1962 and is believed to be emotionally attached to the hinge.^[3]

Today in history

WinkyPedia’s On this day page lists events that happened on today’s date in previous years, when it was also today. Historians caution that, at the time, nobody thought of it as history, and most of them were just trying to get through a Thursday.

See also

• Yesterday – today, slightly later
• Tomorrow – today, slightly earlier
• Day – what today is made of

References

1. Present, P. (2012). Now, Mainly. Current Press.
2. Calendar, C. (1999). “Subtracting Tomorrow”. Journal of Obvious Time 7.
3. Hinge, H. (2004). “Not Today: An Audit”. Postponed.